“The Unravelling: After the Breaking” Comments, Page 1

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12 Comments (6 Discussion Threads) on “The Unravelling: After the Breaking”

  1. Hi Evan,

    Overall I think you have described what happens in a period of change quite accurately. One of the things needing change in my life was how to connect with others. The element I found most surprising was how very painful moving into a postive state can be. I think the pain told me a few things.

    Having a good connection with someone before this was probably foreign to me; accepting a change that meant this much to my life had a wrenching quality, pulling away from the old physically hurt, as did trying to take in the new; my expectation that good change would feel good was not even close, at first it was horrible and disheartening, I felt I had new failure to deal with. Now, it can feel both ‘good and bad’ simultaneously, as I remain in, and work thru various adjustments; real change/permanent change likely doesn’t happen unless one reaches a point where loss and gain feel almost exactly the same in intensity and process.

    1. Hi Barbara, thanks. I’m glad you are going through some positive change. I hope you have some support through what it usually a very difficult time. Thanks for your comment.

  2. I’ve had a few breakthroughs so far in life; times that I felt that things would never change, but then I brought about a change. Not always for the good however, and I think that this was because I neglected to dream about what I really wanted out of life and instead focused too much on the ‘now’.

    I literally had a breakdown 13 years ago after developing a chronic illness; it felt that time stood still, that I was locked into myself initially, but afterwards despite many difficulties it led to a breakthrough, because the experience of it, being forced inward although terrifying at the time, made me explore myself, what it was that really made me ‘tick’. Firstly in a depressing way, but ultimately I recognised that my life had not worked for me, my ‘values’ were skewed: this is what had brought about the breakdown and other depressive episodes in the past.

    This led to a wonderful period of my life when I went back into studying and finally gained a degree. I had looked 50 years of age, had dressed like a ‘bag lady’ and had not looked after myself previously. The ‘new me’ lost weight and started dressing creatively, the way I’d always wanted to look, formed a band as a singer/songwriter/musician, made short films, all sorts of creative things and started work in the community teaching arts based workshops: all things I had never dreamed I would have been capable of.

    Unfortunately, last year I had a massive deterioration in my health which meant that I could no longer carry on working. The shock of it was terrible; I had worked so hard to obtain this new life for myself and it all seemed as if it was all for nothing. I went into a four month depression and came out of it similar to before whereby I’m in that ‘limbo land’ where my life is static, unchanging with no structure or plan for the future because it seems that my future revolves around me being ill now.

    When I came out of the depression, I focused on the house and garden, on what I was capable of doing. It took me all of this year to decorate 3 rooms! Just spending 10 minutes in the garden each day (I was completely exhausted afterwards) made my garden beautiful. All of this helped of course, but I know that this is not enough for me to feel satisfaction in life. I know I should be continuing to engage with what I am capable of creatively even if it is not for work, but I’m stuck.

    What I also know however is that things can and do change, and just like before, this feeling of being stuck will bring about a different course in my life. When you say ‘However, this doesn’t mean that what is next is at all clear. This can be an extremely difficult place to be; I call it “The Unravelling”.’ This is exactly how I feel now. Once again I think my ‘values’ in life will change in this new ‘unravelling’ as before, but as you state, it is a very unnerving and difficult place to be in.

    I remain hopeful though that it will lead to another breakthrough nevertheless.

    1. Hi Clare, thankyou for sharing your story with us. You are certainly someone of spirit.

      I do hope that the breakthrough comes for you soon. Many thanks for your comment.

  3. Once again Evan, you are either psychic, there’s a common conspiracy going on all over the world, or you get your article ideas from clients. Maybe all three… You described my situation very well. I’ve really got the bone in my teeth now after years and years of suffering. I am on a good healing track. But every now and then, like this morning, something goes “gollywampus”, I panic big time. This was a computer mix up about file size and involving all my subscribers — nothing to do with my changes. In the end, stayed calm enough — well calmish — to fixed it myself, but I still have a bad taste in my mouth. At least I know that I don’t want chuck it all as I felt at first. Maybe I should step away from the computer and do something lovely.

    Thanks Evan.

    1. Thanks Celeste, my posts probably track my own development and my relationship with my partner most closely. Sometimes I find that there is a theme running through most of my life that I write about. I’m cautious about including any details that might identify someone without their permission.

      I’m glad you got through the computer upset and hope you did something lovely. Thanks for your comment.

  4. Hi Evan — this reminds me of how important I find it to be around people who are open about what they’re feeling and wanting. I can be withdrawn about revealing these things in ways I’m not even aware of, I’ve found, so having these people around to set an example for me has been useful.

    1. It’s been extremely important to me too. It showed me that it was possible. And then, I was lucky – they supported me in learning how to do it. Thanks for your comment.

  5. Evan, I didn’t mean to imply that you included any of my personal details, only that mine must be universal at the core. So, your piece was a good and useful one.

    I’ve only just identified how I “crash” after too much “taking the bone in my teeth”, being compulsively “good” at many projects — my old way. Now this is a sign for me to do my projects in my new way, and know that telling myself I’m very honest and earnest won’t excuse the damage to myself, both emotionally and physically. So you see how your article has helped me bring things into consciousness!

    1. I’m glad it helped Celeste. I had the pattern of overworking and then crashing – but I decided to give it up too (perhaps due to having less energy as I get older).

  6. Ah, how I would love to change my life. I do feel stuck. But I don’t know how to get out of “stuck phase” into “change phase”. I think I am making very slow, very minor changes that perhaps will be able to lead me to something bigger. But I don’t think of it as a breakthrough. Perhaps it is because I don’t know where I want to go, I just know I don’t want to be here anymore. And I feel the pressure of society, and responsibility, for how I “should” be. So I guess I am in that painful place that you describe. I do a lot of the fantasy stuff, and that is nice, but I am not sure it will ever move beyond fantasy.

    Do you think it is necessary to have the breakdown in order to have the breakthrough? That’s a scary thought.

    1. No, I’m not someone who thinks you need to ‘hit bottom’ in order to change.

      When I’m stuck it is usually competing desires. I find the trick is to honour them both. (As Jeffrey Van Dyke a marketing person says, Every part of you is here to serve you.) If you can let them argue and sort themselves out then a new way of living can emerge. I realise this is abstract. If you want to ask personal stuff you can contact me through the contact form on my personal blog – link in the box at the bottom of the post.

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