“Changing Ourselves and Changing Others” Comments, Page 1

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4 Comments (2 Discussion Threads) on “Changing Ourselves and Changing Others”

  1. Evan very good post. Communicate! These are my challenges too, and this quote,

    is so important, isn’t it? The need to know what it is that we want to change and looking closely at our motives for wanting it.

    Not being able to change others/Wanting to influence others toward change, can be the cause of a lot of frustration.
    Do you think seeing what doesn’t work in a relationship and believing that change can help restore confidence in the relationship is sometimes what motivates us to keep trying(nagging like pests)?

    I think the point you make of insistence brings resistance is true also, and that it can teach us to change our approach to change when dealing with a partner or your child.
    Sometimes the need we have may be to step back and allow that other person to be who they are without our insistence on change. Sometimes do you think it’s just “us” that needs changing? We may think the other is more in need of change.

    In the case of marriage, should one think that the other partner should accept all of who he is and not try to change him, just take him for who he/she is? Doesn’t this work both ways? to accept each other for who the other is and not try to change them? There is a lot to work out in a relationship. Mutual respect and love go long way to safeguard a relationship from disasters due to the insistence/resistence.

    1. Hi Mary,

      I think the feeling of wanting things different can keep us trying. And sometimes this is nagging I think.

      I do think the dynamic between people is somewhat mutual – we change each other (usually in small unconscious ways).

      With regard to marriage and other long-term relationships. I think it is OK to have bottom lines – especially about behaviour. That is (for me) things like: no physical violence. For me it is possible to accept every part of a person (ourself or someone else) but not some of their behaviour.

      It is possible to have mutual agreement (I’ll loose up on tidiness if you loosen up on messiness for instance). The problem is that there are some things that some people just can’t live with. In this case the relationship may not be possible (or not in a conventional form). Eg who says married people have to share a house? (A common smaller version of this is the man having a den and the woman a sewing room – which the other partner doesn’t enter.)

      Many thanks for your comment.

  2. Evan,
    Great article. Change is a vibrant subject. Often times those who need to change resist change and those who want to change are held back by some form of fear. Having clarity as to why we choose to change is key in affecting any real change.

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