“I Couldn’t Live With Myself If…” Comments, Page 1

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18 Comments (7 Discussion Threads) on “I Couldn’t Live With Myself If…”

  1. I find that lately I am unable to live with myself 24/7. I have to either be reading, watching television, and it must be something I am really interested in and can lose myself. Or any means of distraction to not start hating my whole life. I seem to be under a constant state of extreme stress and right now is super stressful. I have had a few bad experiences lately and these things are not resolved. A lot is out of my control.

    I do have a mood disorder and major depression. I am ultra sensitive to anything someone says. It seems everything I try to do fails. So, I basically would rather not live with myself in my current circumstances. The “love” my family gives is totally conditional it seems on my behavior. I have to earn being treated like anything other than an outcast right now.

    This has been going on since November. Not sure how much more I can take it. I am really working hard to get better so I can build my own life away from this family. Then I will still be alone and miserable, just in a different way I think.

    1. Hi Jane, it sounds like you are feeling really isolated and bad.

      My first thought when I read you comment was that you need support. You can get support by paying for it from counsellors (there are some you can contact on this site). There are also free phone counselling services you can access. Perhaps you already have this kind of support.

      The next thing I wondered was what happened in November, what issues this raised for you and whether you have options for dealing with them. If those around you aren’t supportive this can be enormously difficult I know.

      I hope you manage to move toward the life you want.

  2. I was diagnosed with mood disorder in 2005, since then I have been ostracized by most of my family except my mom and one son. I am totally isolated from society really, all my friends left me and I cannot find a job due to my sketchy work history since my “episode”. What happened in Nov was I did something wrong by borrowing my mom’s credit card to stay in a hotel 4 days. I did this to try to prevent myself from committing suicide. I took all the medicines with me plus bought alcohol. I ended up feeling tons better, I just could not face the only mental health facility I can get into because it is like jail and dangerous. I have taken about 10 overdoses since 05.

    I am obviously totally miserable. I had a career up until then and do not know if I am ever going to be able to work again. I know right now what has triggered me more is that my mom is very sick and just got out of the hospital yesterday. My parents are both older, have confusion and now are both very difficult. It is ME now having to be the voice of reason, help her get her medicines straight and force her to take what she needs. By the way, the oh so rational sibling of mine has not helped out with this situation at all!

    Plus serious family issues after what I consider to be an unforgivable act against me by them, the above mentioned sibling and my son, because I am “irrational”. What they did was illegal and I could have had them put in jail. Plus I cannot see my grandchildren often due to all this dysfunction. I am a professional, taking a course, to be able to renew my license. I am not unstable! Yes I get angry and really frustrated, who would not? I do feel completely stressed out and pressured though.

    It is hard to explain all this, yet my therapist I do have has complete empathy for me and she has spoken to some of my family. I get the impression that she feels the same way I do about how I am treated. However, one hour a week or every two weeks is a far cry from enough. I have no one else to talk to about this.

    I am trying to take responsibility for all my actions. I did apologize repeatedly to my parents about the credit card, but they intend to hold a grudge indefinitely they told me.

    Plus I wrecked my car in Jan., more difficulty. Since Nov., just too much is going on, but somehow I am making it. I would love to talk to an online psychiatrist, but I am unemployed so that makes it difficult.

    A big step for me is taking this course and trying to concentrate on me more rather than all the crap my family does to me. I really do try to push all that out of my head, or it would drive me nuts for sure!

    Thanks for writing here and I would welcome any hopefully positive feedback. Jane

    1. Hi Jane, It sounds like you are under enormous pressure with little support.

      I hope you find a way out of this situation. I’m glad that at least you have a good therapist.

      It sounds like you are doing remarkably well to handle the situation you are in.

    2. Hi Jane,
      Seems to me like you’re trying to fight this ‘battle’on your own, and as Evan has said, you really need ‘support’- not just your therapy sessions (altho’ they obviously will help)- but by their very nature, are time-limited, and unlikely to be at the time when you REALLY need someone to ‘listen’. If you haven’t got a trusted friend who can assist here, are there not any voluntary organisations you can contact? (here in the UK we have the Samaritans one can contact 24/7)You know the old saying – ‘A trouble shared is a trouble halved’? This is very true, as I’ve found many times in the past.Just ‘getting something off your chest’ to another empathatic soul (even when BOTH of you know there’s no immediate ‘answer”solution’ etc) seems to shed some of the ‘load’ and make one be able to think a bit more clearly.Warmest wishes.

  3. Thanks Evan! I am hanging on by a thread right now. I need to try to relax more, and it will take all the strength I have. There are a lot of things I would rather not post out in the internet that are going on here that are very WRONG! In the form of verbal abuse towards me and my mom. That is all I can say, this is half of the problem is how I feel, but I cannot control others!!!

    1. Hello “Ms Doe” Your comment about the helpline really really struck a chord. I think, if I’m in rational mood (rather than ‘fight or flight’ – scared bunny/bad tiger :)), people tend not to ask the right questions or to speak in applied third person generalities when they can’t, professionally, skills-wise, otherwise drop some of the reserve in order to incisively meet the needs of the person and context. Evan too :)
      This is a complex thread here, with lots of points – and then others replying back to the article. I think your desperation could look out of place here BUT you *are* discussing what others have been discussing – the pull of ‘sins’ in problem-solving for sore needs vs. the conscience. (editing hard!)
      Reservations are, as Evan started to split up, emotional – based on unfair rules and/or habit of self-attack – or are really moral rules be it directly or after reasonable extrapolation. And the truth, it isn’t always clear! So the stress sends us dashing or raging.
      I feel very like you. And I try to investigate sparks of ideas and support on the web, too. And get a feeling I shouldn’t be here, which dies down the longer I persist – there is always stuff to do and needs of my family (who are elsewhere this minute) and my body (lunch, comfort) that are not being met while I’m standing at this awkward workstation.
      You’re experience is more extreme than mine – but that’s never talk of defect; it’s in knowing sadnes. I’m needing to get a hold on my life for the sake of everyone, not least my children (in the process, my therapist suggests). I’ve not been as thoroughly suicidal as you have – but I’m 32 and live with my husband and young children. If I lived with my Mum and Dad, having had a family and some career of my own (I’ve never managed to work for long yet) my frustration would be topping out too! My mum lives in another county of the uk; my dad died. Dad and mum were a bit distant from each other and me in a feirey way. We buried him whilst I was pregnant, nearly four years ago. My crisis followed. I hope I am here to help other people, peer-to-peer, with my insight, but also here to sort my life out before I get that far and damage the kids too much. I think it’s the sense of disapproval, misunderstanding, their self-assured dissonance of parents that unties our sense of self from our sense. The question is (which my therapist sort-of asked recently) – how can you make up for that missing nurture which is so constantly triggering your sense of battle for justice or peace? Choose living prospects. Death won’t be more just. Lots of people will be hurt dealing with you/the news unjustly (these thoughts are part of my personal suicide prevention strategy I made up). So, can you leave and what would happen if you did leave your parents? Ask it again. It makes you feel better to look after your parents but no amount of time being pill-monitor will satisfy the frustration of a lifetimes disapproval. What will? What rules? My new FAQ.

  4. Hi Jane,

    Yes, blogs are public spaces. If you would like to contact me personally there is a contact form on my own blog.

    I hope you find a way to relax more. It does sound like you are in an enormously pressured situation.

  5. Hi Evan — I tend to treat situations where I find myself feeling “preemptively ashamed” about something I might do as a signal that it’s time to do just that. :) In a way, this is a reaction to the risk-aversion I think I used to have. One thing I do think I’ve figured out is that those moments of “I couldn’t live with myself if I did X” can’t be purely my “conscience” telling me what’s right and wrong. If that kind of shame comes up around calling someone on the phone or doing something to further my business, it’s probably not a “moral” issue, at least for me.

    1. Hi Chris, maybe I confused emotion and morality – I do think they are distinct even if closely related.

      I also didn’t distinguish between guilt and shame – either of which could lead to the reaction of not being able to live with myself I think.

      Thanks for your comment.

    2. Like your comment, Chris – I also tend to treat that feeling of “I couldn’t live with myself” as a sign that I avtually want to cross some kind of self-imposed boundary and an invitation to check if that limit really has to be there! The real things I couldn’t live with myself after, like say killing somebody, are not things I need to think about at the moment, not living in a war zone, etc.

  6. I find the whole area of self fascinating. I have an interest in what makes people tick. Recently I have heard the body being made up of three parts. Body, soul and spirit. The soul was described as being made of mind, will and emotions. I think this can help us understand those ‘ I can’t live with myself ‘ feelings.
    It appears to be different things for different people but basic laws often create general responses among people. For instance do not kill, do not steal, do not lie, do not commit adultery.
    I think the way ahead is to break the whole thing down.
    We know we should not steal but if you are a drug addict you may find stealing becomes a way of life. The intial guilt you may have felt about stealing in your mind is overtaken by the bodily need to get a fix. Of course you may have started taking drugs in the first place to escape the harsh reality of life. Drugs are a way of escaping the pain. Part of re-hab may be facing the pain that you choose to cover up with drugs. Perhaps the life you lead is a life without hope – your soul and spirit is downcast. What are the emotions you feel? Rage, anger, despondency, frustration, confusion etc. Is it that you are too attached to the ‘positive’ feelings of a trip?
    After a bit the initial conscience one felt about stealing becomes less important, your conscience becomes seared because you refuse to listen to it. One day however you may have had enough of this lifestyle and decide to use your human will to overcome this spiralling situation. When will becomes stronger than the mind and body things can start to change. You may need support from medication and supportive people because your will isn’t that strong. During withdrawls your body or mind will battle for dominance.
    Some people don’t get upset with stealing. Stealing is cool and they think most people do it. Something else might really get to them. Some people steal to feed their children not for their own gratification. Does motives make it different?
    What makes you say ‘I couldn’t live with myself if’ Your religious upbringing or convictions, the voice of your disapproving mother, the look from your betrayed friend, the ridicule of your peers, the legal ramifications of what happens when you get caught, your fear of failure or hatred of self?
    Look behind these things? Why are your like that in the first place and why is this so important to you?

  7. Hi William,

    Thanks for the suggestion and the note.
    We have in my area a crisis or suicide hotline. I have called them many times, but not lately. I find they just sit and say “uh huh” and “yes” and will not even give you opinions or thoughts on anything.

    I do feel like I am fighting this battle on my own, and this is what I basically have been doing for the last five years. I do try to reach out for help sometimes, but usually get disappointed. It may help just talking about it more than I am aware. I am going to try a new medication that may be too much for me, but it is worth a try. It is supposed to calm you more and help with your mood. I certainly need both of those!

    Tonight my mom was better and we, my parents and I went out to dinner. We were having a good time, or I was at least. Until my neighbors son and girlfriend came over. I had a book laying on the coffee table about borderline personality, the girlfriend asked what it was and my dad went nuts laughing and pointing at me, talking about it and another book and telling her how I got angry when he mention things (negative) to me about what is in them. He made the “crazy” gestures to her, so all had a good laugh. How wrong is that? This is the type of demeaning way I am treated here, although I am trying so hard to help out with my mom and get better myself.

    I have no where else to go, believe me or I would. I am still mifted about it, and may be more angry about it tomorrow. That is how my moods work. Great huh? I actually do feel stronger today though, so that helps. I guess I will sink or swim!

  8. Evan, I cannot find how to contact you through your blog. If you have my email address from here, please let me know how to send you a note.

    Thanks Jane

  9. Thanks Kathy for the comment and your thoughts. For some odd reason I just got the email today notifying me of the comment. I went back and read what I wrote and not to my surprise, nothing really has changed. Funny, because the whole thing about what I did wrong came up just the other day. I thought my dad might be over, or near getting over it, especially since I bought a computer for him. But NO, he told me he still will not trust me even to take a check to the grocery store to buy groceries. He won’t buy what I need, so I have to live on what I get.

    He told me he might not forgive me for another year or so??? It makes no sense. I live in his house and he carries his wallet in a pocket around all day like some psycho. The hatred I feel for him is strong sometimes. To be so unforgiving is just being mean and surely is not “Christian” as he claims to be. So he is never going to forgive and until I can get money through disability I have to live on whatever bits he decides I can have occasionally.

    My family relationships have continued to go downhill. At my age, over 50, single and lonely, unable to work. When things just keep getting worse and worse month by month, I am having trouble finding reasons to go on. I just want to go out and drink myself to death, but don’t have the means to do that which is pretty pathetic. I am not sure my therapist is working anymore. Sure she is supportive and nice, but it is not getting me better. I have no idea how to improve my outlook or self esteem. I feel like a misfit of society because I cannot work. I do really hate my life. It is night time and that is the worse and I am lonely and tearful. Why am I here?

    1. Hello Jane, erm, I only replied to the message a few days ago – didn’t post on to the end of the comment thread, as I should have done, and my thoughts were based upon the whole thread. I picked up on the comment you made about helplines after trying to write another message and getting lost and grumpy with myself in the process. That took another tack, but might have made more sense, who knows!? I am working through lots of big stuff at home and on everbody else at the same time!

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