“Accepting Our Dependence” Comments, Page 1

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8 Comments (3 Discussion Threads) on “Accepting Our Dependence”

  1. I find very difficult to acknowledge my own needs.Also,find extreamely hard to ask for help, may be b/c as you well described it, to me -“people are less reliable than the air around”. That reminded me of a person I knew some time ago and said that -“pets are more reliable than people”… my son’s hamster may be. Anyways, I am still curious about “us”,us being peoples behavior.

  2. Dependence on others, for me is difficult; because it requires entrusting myself to someone, or to others, to some degree. Very very frightening right now with regard to close friendships. Having been divorced after being married for a long while, I’m still cautious on even the definition of friendship. I consider friendship to be a big step beyond acquaintanceship. Nothing casual to me about being or having friends. But I find, that I hold back depending on others then also.

    The quandary is that although I need to accept a certain level of dependence I attach maybe too high priority on reliability of others? Am I seeing this right?

    If I am asked by someone to date and depend on him and no one else, should I not be too concerned with his apparent interest in other women? I say I am no fool, but not sure if he cares one way or the other. He just says I don’t trust him. He’s right. So as far as healing from betrayal during my marriage goes,I am having a tough time allowing the relationship with my “friend” to develop, if I am just having trust issues without valid proof of his unreliability.

    1. Hi Mia, it is hard to trust when we feel we have been betrayed.

      My approach is to trust my feelings, be kind to myself, take things one step at a time. Of course others are more intense and like a quicker pace than I.

      The comment you make about your level of dependence catches my attention. I think my friends are reliable in different ways and for different things. It has helped me to be clear what these are (that Davey will never be tidy, that Dawn will always be late and so on).

      Thanks for your comment, you raise very important issues I think.

  3. To me then, this whole thing is much more tiring you see, than just remaining acquaintances, which I enjoy and have many mutual ties.

    So this is the only thing I take exception to in the article, that dependence on others is relaxing. To me, it’s an awful lot of work right now to consider what I would lose by depending on this other person. I think I do need space. I’m tired of working that hard only to face possibility of being taken as a fool again.

    Maybe once that trust is established if ever, but I thought I had that before. Now I’m skittish.

    1. Hi Mia, I have been divorced and I do think I understand your skittishness.

      My intention in the article was to say that acknowledging our dependence means that we don’t need to expend the energy in pretending we aren’t dependent. I may not have said this clearly.

      It sounds to me that you are in a very difficult place right now. I guess we can never guarantee that we won’t be taken as a fool again (only do what we can to minimise the chances). I guess that’s not very comforting.

      I understand that contemplating being dependent on someone else can be very anxiety-provoking. I hope you have the space to listen to your feelings and arrive at a decision that you are happy with.

      Thankyou for your very personal comment.

  4. Evan,

    I’ve always been independent and find it hard to depend on others, financially at least. I don’t think I’ll ever want to give up my own income and have to stretch out my hand to a husband for money.

    Emotional dependence is easier. I’ve come to accept that I need to feel close to someone, and that I need this person to do certain things that make me feel cared for. In the past I’d wait for the person to read my mind, but now I agree with you that if I ask and he agrees, it’s as good as him initiating the action. Because he could easily not agree to do it, so the agreement does count.

    Nice, thoughtfully written article.

    1. Thanks for the compliment Daphne.

      Maybe I should do a post specifically on financial dependence and independence. It can certainly be an emotionally intense subject. My partner and I find government rules about this particularly infuriating.

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