Good Grieving: Finding a New Normal
Grieving is about what makes our lives normal, not what makes them pleasant. The new normal may be better or worse than the earlier normal.
I think grieving is a part of life. I don’t mean only grieving for people, but the process of adjusting to loss.
Bob Deits, in Life After Loss [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK], defines grieving in a way that makes sense to me: the process of adjusting to the loss of something that made our lives normal. This has interesting and useful implications I think.
Firstly, it is about what makes our lives normal, not what makes them pleasant. For instance, we may not like our childhood home much and probably didn’t think of it as in any way perfect — but if it were to burn down, we would feel the loss and probably go through some kind of grieving process. A more significant example is those who have been abused by someone close to them. It can puzzle those close to the abused person that, when the abuser dies, the abused person isn’t simply happy. And those who leave a marriage that is pretty unsatisfactory may still grieve its loss.
We can also grieve normal expectations. In a culture where marriage is still often thought of as being for life, a divorced person may feel the loss of not growing old together with their partner.
Secondly, there are different things that make our lives normal. This definition allows for degrees of intensity. The staining of a favourite piece of clothing will probably lead to a degree of grieving that differs from that of grieving for the destruction of a favourite novel or car or friendship.
Thirdly, it leaves open what we will grieve about. Normally we think of grieving as being about the death of a person. We fairly easily extend this to the loss of normal abilities — like walking or seeing. However, what makes our lives normal is more extensive than this.
I have a friend, whom I will call Terri. Terri is probably dying because her immune system is attacking her cartilage. This means that Terri is in fairly severe, continuous pain. One consequence was the destruction of the cartilage in Terri’s ear. This meant that while her body was learning to use other balance mechanisms, she couldn’t move without feeling nauseous. For several days she had to crawl to the toilet, for instance. This is a degree of loss and suffering that I am very thankful that I, and most people I know, don’t have to deal with. The loss that Terri felt most keenly was the loss of the routine of the school year. Since the age of two, Terri had structured her life around the school year — and later the university year. She had, up until her thirties when the condition developed, excelled academically. She had almost always been studying and had often been teaching as well (from quite an early age). It was a world she knew, it was a world she excelled in and a world in which she was greatly rewarded for excelling in (such as by awards, popularity and finance). It was, in short, her normal world. And it was no longer being part of this world which was the loss that Terri grieved most.
Fourthly, it gives a sense of what the process of grieving is. It is about finding a new normal. Normal can be a whole lot of little details: who does the washing or cooking, needing to check with a partner before making an appointment, how we organise our priorities or timetables, keeping a list of the groceries we need… Normal is made up of lots of little things as well as big things. And so, when we suffer a loss, we can feel disoriented with so many things to do — there is a lot to be re-learnt, and it can be surprising what it is.
Fifthly, it doesn’t prejudge the outcome of grieving. The new normal may be better or worse than the earlier normal. If a parent loses a child, then it is likely that in a meaningful sense, the parent’s new normal will be worse than the previous normal. For the person leaving an abusive relationship, it is likely that the new normal will be significantly better than the old normal (although the process of adjustment may still take a great deal of time and effort).
I would like to know if you find this a useful perspective on grief. If you have been through a time of deep grieving, what was it that helped you with the process? Do you feel that you found a new normal, or is this not a helpful way to think about it for you? I’m looking forward to hearing your comments.
11 Responses (5 Discussion Threads) to “Good Grieving: Finding a New Normal”
The comment form is currently closed.
I agree that this is a novel and useful way of thinking about grieving. It does give a very good reason why people grieve for things that weren’t necessarily “good” in their lives – and that reason is absolutely needed, because this is how grieving works. Misunderstanding grieving certainly can’t help those who have to go through it. Thank you for sharing this insightful view.
Hi Victoria, thanks for your comment. I do hope that this post will help people understand the grieving process and that this may help a little with them going through it.
I think you hit on the nose. The obvious loss that causes grieving is a given but having to adjust to a new normal and all that entails is something I don’t believe most people understand.
I lost my mom, my marriage and a guy I was involved with emotionally in the span of 6 months and will be switching jobs and moving soon. My normal is being turned upside down and I am crying all the time. After reading your article I realize that what I am really grieving is my life as I know it. My normal is going to look different soon and I am scared and sad but hopeful it will be better.
Thank you so much.
Hi Claudia, thankyou for letting me know what is going on for you.
I hope you have some friends who are supporting you and that you have the time you need to go through your grieving.
Thankyou for your comment.
I find this a useful way of looking at life as a series of transitions which all have an element of loss and grief, but not so helpful for looking at time of grief in which a deep attachment has been ripped away by death. In that case, someone telling me that some kind of ‘normal’ will come around again, just makes me angry. There is no normal, and you do not want one. You are slam bang right up against impossibility, and mortality. It’s a different state of mind, maybe a spiritual opportunity, but not about balancing out, integrating or finding normality.
You could say that this about stages of grief, with the last one being the ‘new normality’, and the state I am talking about being nearer the beginning. But I think there is an important difference between losses and the full blown grief that comes after the death of a loved one. The new normal can never be really normal, in a small, important sense nothing is normal again.
Thanks for your comment Sarah. I do think I understand what you mean about nothing being the same again after the death of a loved one.
I lost my son July 5, 2009. I do not think that life will ever be “normal” again. I assume I am having what some may refer to as complicated grief and due to the nature of how he died, I have PTSD. I may have developed fibromyalgia as well and I definately am depressed. If this is the “new normal” for me then it is a sad state indeed. There is no decision to cope. It is just something you do. Kind of like on auto pilot. I sometimes go days at a stretch without crying and then the greif slams me until I cannot breathe. “They” say it will get better. It hasn’t
Laura – I see it’s a year today since your son died – I am so sorry for your loss.
It does sound like a complicated grief, and that can be so difficult to live through alone. I wonder if you’re in contact with any others in your situation – having lost a child in traumatic circumstances? Online or in real life, maybe contact with people who have had similar experiences might be of some kind of help…?
Hi Laura, I hope this isn’t the new normal for you. I hope that over the weeks and months ahead you find a way through. Thank you for leaving such a personal comment.
I really agree with your words Evan. The important point to keep in mind is that you do not have to suffer from these losses for the rest of your life. You can take charge by moving through your own grief to a point of peace and resolution, becoming wiser and stronger in the process.
Hi Ruby, at first I think it usually does feel that we’ll suffer this for the rest of our lives. Then usually I think we find ways of moving on and developing a new normal.
If you would be happy to, would you like to share some of the ways that you found useful in moving on? But I don’t want to invade your privacy.