Creating and Receiving Ourselves: Why Do Some Things Just ‘Fit’?
How else can I make sense of part of my experience except to say that I discover myself, or that there is an aspect of me that simply is?
The ideas in this post started with my being puzzled about the books that I like (or feel at home with). I’m pretty heady and like ideas. But I also have a pragmatic heart: I want to know how the ideas can be used, how they can help us see the world differently, or act differently, or change the world. I feel most at home in the world of therapy, teaching, training, coaching and so forth.
I’m pretty wordy too: I read lots of books. And when I’m not reading just to relax, I read for ideas — especially how ideas can be applied to make a difference.
Over the years I’ve come across a few books that I feel at home with — I feel they just fit with me. They are books on archetypes. Archetypes, roughly speaking, are particular kinds of energies or personalities that are part of human nature (they are presumed to occur across cultures) expressed in a particular social role. The sage archetype, for instance, is characterised by detachment and wise counsel — whether this is a tribal shaman or a king’s counsellor. The weakness of these books is their application: they have little concrete about what to do with the archetype in your life. So, I would have expected that I wouldn’t be interested in them for long. And yet I feel they fit me somehow.
This was brought home to me forcefully because I borrowed a book from my local library on archetypes (not a very good one, so it had best remain nameless). It had little original to say, gave little practical guidance, so far as I could see was pretty useless, and yet…I felt that this was my kind of book. This was weird enough to get me thinking.
What I started thinking about was what made these books on archetypes different for me. The feeling I got was relaxation. The therapy-teaching-training-coaching world is about making changes. This usually means an emphasis on choice, seeing that we participate in creating our experience. This can be a liberating and empowering discovery. When I thought about this the feeling I got was an underlying tension — not hopelessness or frustration but some kind of undercurrent nonetheless.
What the archetypes perspective offered me was a sense of wholeness, action flowing effortlessly and naturally from who I am. The emphasis on choice usually means effort and struggle, even when it is in the cause of living more joyfully and easily (the purpose of any educational or therapeutic modality worth the name, in my view).
The emphasis on choosing is grounded solidly on the insight that we participate in making our experience. I believe this to be absolutely true; there is nothing I know of in my own experience or that of others to suggest that this is wrong. I have been thinking about this on and off for twenty-five years, and I know of no evidence that contradicts this insight. Agency, our ability to choose, may be fragile, but it is infinitely precious. It is one of the necessary conditions for any education or therapy which engages the person who wishes to make the change.
And yet…I’m drawn to the archetypal perspective.
Thinking and feeling more about my feeling of relaxation, I realised the difference was the feeling of receiving rather than doing or making.
The sense that we receive ourselves is usually talked about as temperament or spirituality. These perspectives certainly have their difficulties.
Believing that we are of a particular temperament can lead to the sense that we are stuck with responses that affect our relationships badly: e.g., “I’m just an angry person (I can’t help losing my temper/yelling/lashing out)”.
Spirituality can have the sense that the physical is less real or less important, which seems to me to undercut the seriousness of compassion: if physical suffering isn’t real or important then we don’t need to be moved by it or seek to remedy it.
I think these are real and important concerns. An archetypal psychology needs to deal with these sorts of challenges. There are traditions of temperament, spirituality and the archetypes which do attempt to deal with these problems. How successfully they do this would take much longer to examine than this one post.
I hope this makes clear that I don’t think an archetypal approach is without difficulties. What I want to say is that I don’t know how else to make sense of one part of my experience. The part of my experience I mean is the sense that I discover myself, or that there is an aspect of me that simply is.
I feel that some things simply are me and others simply aren’t. I can force myself to do things that aren’t me, and I’ll be less happy. I may get used to them in time, but they will never bring me joy.
Likewise I have come across new ways of thinking (like archetypes) or new forms of artistic expression (like drawing) that feel like they fit me. Other ways of thinking (like logic or the psychoanalytic) or forms of expression (like oil paint) simply don’t fit me.
I have the sense that some things about me I discover — they are already ‘there’. I have the sense that in some way I receive my self — or some aspect(s) of my self. I’m wondering if you have this sense about parts of your experience also. I would love to hear about your experience in the comments.



“I feel that some things simply are me and others simply aren’t. I can force myself to do things that aren’t me, and I’ll be less happy. I may get used to them in time, but they will never bring me joy.”
I have been thinking about this lately myself. You mention things that are you that are unique, but I find that things that are almost universally acknowledged as enjoyable or good amongst my peers (children, travel, sports) are of absolutely no interest to me. As a result I feel left out.
Hi Kathy, I know what you mean about feeling left out. I once wrote a book about a physical, christian spirituality. (A faith founded on an incarnation should include the physical I would think. It plugged a major problem in evangelicalism – and so was a major contribution blah, blah, blah. I was really committed to this and it took years to write. If you have the usual number of fingers you can count how many people were interested.)
In this situation I’ve used a couple of approaches. 1. Talk about what it is that interests you or the other person about the activity. Sport leaves me for dead (what is it about pursuing round objects exactly?) but I can relate to people’s enjoyment, their desire to improve, being part of a team and so on. 2. Sometimes it’s possible to explore our difference together. This can lead to us feeling a greater appreciation of each other. It is paradoxical but appreciating difference can lead to us growing closer.
Hope this helps. I think this may be your first comment on a post of mine, welcome.
Hi Evan,
I think my experience of receiving myself has often come in the form of being ‘handed’ a part of my personality from another.
Today I received a note from a young woman who recently got married. She is not actually a relative, but I had some distant connection to her family and therefore her as she was growing up. Since she’s now old enough to be getting married, I realized how long ago we interacted. I was unable to attend her wedding, but I sent her a rather long letter of congratulations, explanation, etc.. Today’s note was her response.
Although in my letter I had not referred to her as I knew her as a child, she is after all a young woman and I feel she should be treated as such, her response gave me her impressions of me that she had when a very young child.
What she said to me had a very deep resonance, I knew it to be true of myself, but not something I tell me. Who but a child is a better equipped to say what they see or feel?
Interestingly, the same words she used have been delivered to me by others, over and over. Today however, I think I received them.
Barbara
PS I guess I too was drawn to archetypes, I had always wanted to learn Tarot and finally took a class about four years ago. I’m, at best, most often confused as I ‘read’ the cards and their combinations. It seems, even then, I hit on something that resonates for the person whose cards they are, or all those folks are just extremely kind!
Hi Barbara, thanks for your comment. It’s a remarkable moment when what someone says speaks to us like that I think.
I enjoyed this post very much, Evan, some of that sense of relaxation and receiving came through.
I don’t see any necessary tension between being/realising who we are and choosing/changing. In fact in my experience good therapy leads to just this relaxing into what simply *is*, out of which we have more of a sense of being able to choose…and things move on and change in their natural way.
Thanks Sarah, I’m glad the sense of relaxation came through. Do you experience the relaxing into what is and movement to change as being sequential? Is this what you mean by “things move on and change”? If so I understand what you mean. Thanks for your comment.
yes, that it is in the nature of things to move and change, but when I relax into what is actually the case (even when the situation itself is not that relaxing!) then that process just goes on in it’s own sweet way, sometimes I feel I am changing and sometimes it just changes all by itself….