That is such a good point about others being in the process of teaching these skills as well. Though the schools that I have worked with do actually do there best with this by having character building cirriculum more so in early development in elementary school. Sometimes it seems not enough attention is giving to it though. It seems schools pull away from it as they enter junior high and high school. One class semester if they are required to do so by the schools policy. It does feel good to know my young adult children too are very good friends but I do find they have the exact same issues often raised by others “not getting it too.” As they have the capacity for empathy within their lives and interactions with others and some people just aren’t there yet or maybe ever.

I guess it’s empathy plus respect, all together :) Not only we understand them, but also we are allowing them to be who they are. We are respecting that point in life they are at.

And I agree with you that these essential skills should be taught at school (and at home, as well) since a very young age.

My “babies” are 23 and 24 now (already a young man and a young woman), but back when they were kids, I used to teach them to look after each other. So when they became teens and started going our with friends, they really looked after each other and were good friends, besides being siblings. And I agree with you and believe too that it’s very important to teach children to be empathetic or compassionate and care about others.

;)

The older I get, the more people I have to bite my tongue back at. Is this a function of experience and a growing ability to empathise because I have more life experience? I don’t know – though I do know that I probably used to be clueless and appear unfeeling as a youngster.

I think that most people make assumptions about others rather than extend themselves to really understand what another is feeling (I have assumed that your deep sigh and smile were produced by the same sort of feelings that I experienced yesterday evening, so is this ‘real’ empathy?? i don;t know about that either!).

It’s the clueless, even callous, assumptions that so many people make that can have disturbing or disastrous effects on the lives of others (who are in e.g. in difficult life situations like Evan’s students) that really bother me. They’re so needless – and also redolent of black/white emotional immaturity on the part of those ‘in power’.

So it’s great to read that Evan and others are teaching these youngsters emotional skills. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if these things were universally taught at junior school and long before children get into trouble?

I like that you smile and hope that one day they will get it.

Thanks!
Diane

That happens to me sometimes with my son. And although I feel very frustrated, I remind myself that he “is not there yet.” Sometimes, I just can’t find the right words to let him know I understand, and I have come to realize that -often times- it’s just that “no matter how efficient my words are” he is just not ready to make that connection.

I was just like him at his age, so I can relate. I take a deep sigh and smile. He’ll be there some day and will have that ah-ha moment we sometimes had, maybe long after things happened.

It’s hard to deal with frustration when people are just not ready to connect, but I believe we all have a different timing, and certainly, different viewpoints. In this respect, it took me ages to understand and accept that other people had different viewpoints than mine and they weren’t necessarily “wrong” – but, eventually, I got there too :)

My children are a testiment to that as well. My one son has a very low pain tolerance the others seem to bounce off their pain issues so much more easily.

Do you ever get frustrated when you feel like you get it but the other still just feels so disconnected anyway? Be it part of who they are in general or that they have a need that screams for connection yet it feels like they just can’t feel connections with others? Hope I communicated that well. What do you do internally especially if it’s somone you are fairly close too or been working with for awhile?

We could have been there and still don’t quite understand what others are feelings, or we could have not been there and understand exactly how others feel. I believe it’s something personal, and yes, I agree it does limit ourselves to choose either one or the other.

To me, it’s got more to with a personal perception and with personal sensitivity than with one answer being right or wrong.

I do think it can limit us if we think only people who ‘have been there’ can understand. Like you I think some people are good at being sensitive and picking up ‘where the other person is at’. I do think we can start from being close enough and then move on from there too.

Thanks for your comment.

I have been following you and Marianna’s conversation. It reminded me of this does this limit us in some way if we choose not “have been” there within our connections with other people and their experiences. Ex. a person is ill with cancer and says it feels like the worsed flu I have ever had…you know when you wish you’d just die and get it over with. And then finally it breaks and we feel like we a renewed and vigorous again and we are so thankful to feel better. Most of us have experienced the flu some time in our lives. So if we say we undersatand are we so off base then? Does it limit us when we feel like we can not be helped unless another “has been there?” Or in counseling often times the therapist has not been there but they have been a witness to many cases involving the same issues, etc. And in the end we are different in some unique way so I just wonder if we/or some people limit ourselves/themselves if we close ourselves’themselves off from someone who understands yet “hasn’t been there.” Can similar be enough? Some people are quite sensitive to others and they can feel it and right away ask the right questions…don’t you think?
Isn’t that why being an empath make you someone who can understand another person pain, issues, illness, etc. a deep connection in and of itself? I know not all people are like that but some are. Sometimes I view certain things like people being respectful and validating and just honest about the depth of their own self perceptions, also when they voice they can’t say they don’t understand when they have “not been there” also. Just some thoughts…Diane