Intimacy in sex is quite a challenge – even more so for those who have been abused I would think. You didn’t say if you were having sex therapy – it does sound like you see the need for it.

Or it may that the ‘therapy’ you need is a patient and understanding lover – these may not be thick on the ground.

I’m feeling the limits of this way of communicating – it feels a little cold to be dealing with such intimate topics. I just want to say that I hope you do manage to find what you need (whatever form the ‘therapy’ takes) and would like to hear how you are going, if you’d like to check back in later.

In my first counselling session, my counsellor said that i would, when we had finished, need sex counselling and she is right. As far as im concerned there is a difference between sex and making love. I believe that i have sex, i dont feel there is a whole enjoyment or pleasure even, for me, its more about pleasing them. I’m not saying that i dont enjoy sex or intimacy, i really do but on my own. Its a different matter when i am with someone.

I think some of it is that i find it difficult to let them in ie for them to watch and i don’t relax. I know that my disfunctional feelings where intimacy is concerned stems from the past, i know i get turned on but i cannot relax enough to let go, i hate being watched, i feel uncomfortable with myself – ive been name called and riduculed all my life so i find it difficult when they say “you’re so beautiful” in the throws of passion as i dont believe that, i see that comment referring to the fact that ive allowed them to have sex with me, i dont see that they may actually see that i am, that they truly like me. I also am very scared of what i might do and one guy ive been with has barely spoken to me since then – our relationship was just sex ie not boyfriend/girlfriend. I also feel that when i go through periods of being single, I find it difficult to get back into the swing of things. When i do enter into a relationship, it takes me a long time to get back into the enjoyment and pleasure of intimacy.

Not sure really where to go from here, ive been examining myself and like i said, torn the brickwall down but initmacy is a whole different ballgame and maybe will take someone with heaps of patience to help me out or counselling of some kind something i cannot afford at the moment.

[Editor's Note: This comment has been edited slightly from its original form.]

Thanks for this post. It reminded me that intimacy is important.

I guess the backing off may be an intimate moment depending on how it was handled (by your partner as well as you).

I think there are some good men around. I don’t know where the spaces are to connect easily though. Singles and meeting places are often full of expectations and pressure. I have found my partners through pursuing my interests and friendship. I hope you do find a good man and thank you for your comment.

We’ve talked about the things of concern, but there is a blank, or excuse for everything. My friend tried to reassure me, but continues to insist on things that are in the long term, harmful to our relationship. Lack of control over finances, attention getting behaviors, and the web addictions that accompany, These concerns will always be present until he puts his foot down, and keeps putting his foot down. It was time to back off. Acquaintences yes, friendship, nope.

Hey, not that I have it all together, after all, I have a such a low threshold of tolerance that I may be single the rest of my life, but I feel like standing on a rooftop yelling out, “Are there any good men out there?”