15 Responses (3 Discussion Threads) to “Why Intimacy is Important, Practically and Theoretically”

1. 

   Marisol

   11

   18th July 2009

   For the past three days I have been feeling as a strong woman, I am proud of myself, I feel so confident that I have the sense that I can face anything and everything/anyone. But when it comes to intimacy,I know I have fears to overcome (specialy with the oposite sex). I want to be more open and have more friends at work and be able to develop my own friends (not my ex-’s friends). I have been in his shadow for 12 years and I have to take it slowly, I need to learn to love me and care for me (that’s easy) I think I’m doing a good job with it. The confusion comes with wanting the “oposite sex-type of intimacy”,and this is something that I want,but when? . I guess I have many things yet to figure out and great expectations for the (I hope not so far) future.
   • 

     Evan Hadkins

     11.1

     18th July 2009

     Thanks Marisol. Good luck with it, it’s difficult I know. And let us know how you go.
2. 

   Lisa

   12

   2nd August 2009

   As a victim of child abuse i find sex or intimacy difficult, not the doing part, so to speak nor the enjoyment of it but the feelings behind it. Once i connected my behaviour to the child abuse, i realised that i needed counselling and am so much a stronger person for it, and ive finally come to the conclusion that i dont need to worry about the nastiness towards me by people and have torn down the brickwall that has surrounded me for so long.

   In my first counselling session, my counsellor said that i would, when we had finished, need sex counselling and she is right. As far as im concerned there is a difference between sex and making love. I believe that i have sex, i dont feel there is a whole enjoyment or pleasure even, for me, its more about pleasing them. I’m not saying that i dont enjoy sex or intimacy, i really do but on my own. Its a different matter when i am with someone.

   I think some of it is that i find it difficult to let them in ie for them to watch and i don’t relax. I know that my disfunctional feelings where intimacy is concerned stems from the past, i know i get turned on but i cannot relax enough to let go, i hate being watched, i feel uncomfortable with myself – ive been name called and riduculed all my life so i find it difficult when they say “you’re so beautiful” in the throws of passion as i dont believe that, i see that comment referring to the fact that ive allowed them to have sex with me, i dont see that they may actually see that i am, that they truly like me. I also am very scared of what i might do and one guy ive been with has barely spoken to me since then – our relationship was just sex ie not boyfriend/girlfriend. I also feel that when i go through periods of being single, I find it difficult to get back into the swing of things. When i do enter into a relationship, it takes me a long time to get back into the enjoyment and pleasure of intimacy.

   Not sure really where to go from here, ive been examining myself and like i said, torn the brickwall down but initmacy is a whole different ballgame and maybe will take someone with heaps of patience to help me out or counselling of some kind something i cannot afford at the moment.

   [Editor's Note: This comment has been edited slightly from its original form.]
   • 

     Evan Hadkins

     12.1

     2nd August 2009

     Hi Lisa, thanks for a very personal and honest comment.

     Intimacy in sex is quite a challenge – even more so for those who have been abused I would think. You didn’t say if you were having sex therapy – it does sound like you see the need for it.

     Or it may that the ‘therapy’ you need is a patient and understanding lover – these may not be thick on the ground.

     I’m feeling the limits of this way of communicating – it feels a little cold to be dealing with such intimate topics. I just want to say that I hope you do manage to find what you need (whatever form the ‘therapy’ takes) and would like to hear how you are going, if you’d like to check back in later.

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