“Technology, Experience and Our Current Situation” Comments, Page 2
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47 Responses (12 Discussion Threads) to “Technology, Experience and Our Current Situation”
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11
well, as a counsellor practising both face to face and online (with many more years experience face to face) I can say that the communicative situations are very different, there are not really any easy parallels, like ‘facial expression translates into smilies’ or whatever, things don’t exactly translate. However, I find no difference in my experience of ‘picking up’ feelings. I would say that things have to be made a lot more explicit than in face to face work, more questions, more checking out, more qualifying. This can actually be really helpful in itself.
My experience of working at depth and mutuality is the same, face to face and online. Of course it doesn’t always happen, but when it does it is certainly not dependent on the method of communication.
As far as people ‘presenting a different personality’ – they can do this face to face too. While it may be in your interests on a dating site to present yourself differently, it is not really in anyone’s interests to pay a counsellor and then consciously pretend. If they start out doing that for whatever reason, it will be part of the process and if I am doing my job properly the truth will out anyway.
In a sense almost every client comes to a counsellor presenting a ‘different personality’ – some limited or twisted version of who they can and want to be… but that is another discussion.
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11.1
Sarah,
I’m wondering if you have a sense of whether on line counselling has a different clientele. I’m wondering if people who feel shy or uncomfortable talking about their feelings face to face are more likely to go online (the kind of anonymity gives them a space to go deeper and more personal than they would face to face).I don’t know if you have a sense of this. If you do I’d be fascinated to hear.
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11.2
honestly Evan,
i’m pretty much on the shy side myself, and i can tell you that it is easier to be myself online than face to face. I think it’s because when I get around someone new, or in a new crowd, i wonder if i’m fitting in right, you know? I kind of worry about what to say, and even when to say it. I can tell you one thing, i really feel like Americans are pretty stereotypical to one another here. I’m african american, and i have been riding a bus home for about a month now, and i always see these same people, around 8 or 9, all white people on the first bus, and white and mexican on the second. I go to the back of the bus because i feel it is more mannerable to save front seats for elderly and older people. Well, after I get on and the bus goes from stop to stop, as another white person goes up the steps then looks for a seat, i get the same look from all of them, men and women; the look of fear mixed with a bit of anger. I’m feel that i would be an iteresting person to get to know, but i feel like all these people around me just see another possible gangster that’s sitting in the back, that’s probably plotting something, that they have to keep an eye on “just in case”. What do i give in return? a slight smile(half of it being because of my manners, and half pretty much laughing at them for being biased of what they dont know about), then i go back to listening to my mp3 player.
That’s only one example. There are places i go where there are good vibes, but because of the way people think here, i get more bad vibes because they only see what I am, and aren’t willing to try to find out who I am, ya dig. -
11.3
Hi Tyron – I can see how it might be easier for you to be yourself online – the mixture of being a bit shy and having to constantly deal with other people’s prejudice is enough to make anyone feel uncomfortable.
Yes, Evan – there are definitely different clienteles – people who can’t physically get to counselling, who don’t have it available in their language where they live, people who are shy and anxious, people who have really difficult material to deal with and find the presence of a therapist and their possible reactions too much, introverts who like the extra space for reflection, the self directed element, people who find the process of writing more helpful than talking…the list goes on.
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11.4
Hi Tyron,
Yeah, I dig. Especially about the person feeling fearful and then angry because they feel that you made them fearful.
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11.5
Thanks Sarah. I think online counseling is one of the most exciting developments in years. Thanks for the details.
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Lunna
12I consider myself an introverted and yes, shy person. Many (and believed me)mmmmany different experiences (good and bad) have shaped the way I am today (and I am not better or worst than anybody). I can relate to what you say Tyron 100%. I think that sometimes people are afraid of what is ‘not familiar’, and sometimes happens that people live (in many cases) so selfishly that forget to smile and to just be polite. I am not different from other people that consider themselves from diverse ethnic background; I am a Latina from the Caribbean, my skin color is ‘white’, but I have other body features that show that I have African heritage. I am proud of my heritage, but I think other people may don’t want to look to their roots b/c that may be threatening to them. For example, I have a friend from South America living in the US that she wants so badly to be accepted by others that she starves to be fit and to look like the stereotype of the ‘American woman’. Needless to say she is always sick and has other emotional issues. In my experience, there are some people that as soon as they listens my accent try to disengage from the verbal contact, which to me is their loss. But overall, not everybody is like that and actually in my opinion they are a minority. Good thing!
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12.1
Hi Lunna,
Interesting what you say about not wanting to look at our roots. In Australia (where I am) this manifests as not dealing with the appalling way that us white people treated the original inhabitants (and still do their descendants).
The descendants of the original inhabitants are now only a small percentage of Australia’s population (1-2% depending on how you count – Australian Aboriginal culture was quite open to ‘adoption’).
How I wish we could get rid of this concern with acceptable looks and body image. The suffering it brings is awful. We men I think are a bit less bound by it I think (though this may be changing).
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12.2
I feel what you’re saying to, Lunna. As far as your friend goes, I know exactly what you are talking about, i see females trying so hard to look like a celebrity all the time.
Mixing in what you’re talking about Evan, with ladies trying to be more and more attractive, i feel that they are doing it so they can get one of those celebrity like guys. I’m not one of those guys, which makes me feel like that puts near the bottom of the list, which in response to that feeling I try to work out and beef up because that seems to be what women want nowadays. -
12.3
Hi Tyron,
Body image is interesting. We can observe ourselves through other’s eyes. I think some of the concern with image is to look good to this observer and isn’t always to get others who also look good. Disentangling this can be quite complicated I think.
Despite the propaganda I think people are attracted to a willingness to be vulnerable as well as a sense of identity. I’d like to hear more of your experience with this.
I’ll see if I can write something worthwhile about rejection. It’s far from my favourite experience so I may be too close to it, but I’ll see what I can do. Thanks for the suggestion.
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12.4
its funny that you speak of vulnerability. I’ve been single for a while, trying to figure out what i want in a lady. I would like to see myself as more of a listener than a talker, and because of that, I’ve been thinking lately like I would want someone to be my listener. I go through things like everyone else, but the people around me don’t seem interested in the stories i want to tell or things what I want to discuss. I think being able to tell someone of myself would be a vulnerability in my case.
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12.5
Hola Lunna,
Sorry to hear about your friend’s lack of self-acceptance. Sometimes I wish people could just be able to be themselves, it’s so much relaxing, reassuring, worthy and pleasant, among other things.
You hit the nail on the head, I bet she sure does have some emotional issues if she keeps trying to fit into a different society’s expectations. I wish she could accept herself more the way she is. If she did so, at least she would be able to live in peace with herself.
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12.6
Hi Tyron,
I do think speaking about who we are and what we care about is making ourselves vulnerable.
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13
Hey Evan,
You know how you said to let you know if i thought of a topic? I was wondering if you would write something on rejection.
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Lunna14
Hi Evan,
I would like to read something about habit. You know when a couple is breaking up, how to overcome the habit of not calling, or not seeing the other person, which to me may feel like comming out of a bad addiction. Thanks.-
14.1
Thanks for the suggestion Lunna. I’ll have a go and find if it is worth publishing.
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15
I’m a bit lost with the threads now… Regarding Evan’s comment that says “I’m wondering if people who feel shy or uncomfortable talking about their feelings face to face are more likely to go online (the kind of anonymity gives them a space to go deeper and more personal than they would face to face),” one of the first things that came to my mind was a play written by TS Elliot called The Cocktail Party where people feel more comfortable talking to a stranger (pouring their hearts and deepest secrets on someone they don’t know.) It’s like going to confession, where you don’t see the priest’s face. Some people might, in fact, feel intimidated either by the other person’s facial expressions or by their own inner fears of how others may react to what they have to say (confess, reveal, etc.)
So, I agree that maybe some people feel more comfortable communicating on line or any other venue that’s not face to face. Imagine someone who has some kind of social phobia and hates discussing his matters face to face… on-line therapy could be a good option for that person, for instance.
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William Gordon
16The other type of ‘anonymity’ – similar to ‘The Cocktail Party’ – but without the ‘faceless’/'no body’ aspect of the RC Confessional (apparently Irish Parish priests know all their ‘cofessees(?)’ so this is a facade), is the conversation struck up with a complete stranger on a long distance train/coach journey where one knows the probability of meeting the person again is remote – which provides the opportunity to ‘open up’/reveal things to ‘bounce off’ each other and obtain opinions/ideas etc. I’ve used this on a number of occasions to advantage. There’s no ‘committment’ no ‘professional’ aspect as in the counselling situation – just a fellow human. The pen friend is similar. You both know that at any point either can say “Well, nice meeting you, but this is where I get off” – but during that time (which can be many years)it’s been a valuable, anonymous exchange of communication,feelings, emotions etc.The difference? Well, of course the letters themselves are still there with their personal ‘imprint’. The stranger on the train/coach has gone in a flash, forever (like the cyber correspondent with the delete key.)The (Cocktail) Party’s over – and all that’s left for the repentful penitant is the forgiveness and the ‘Hail Marys.’I guesss at the end of the day it depends on just what the individual is actually seeking – advice? help? sympathy? or simply some form of social interaction with no commitments and/or motives etc.It’s the ‘human touch’ I think that counts!
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16.1
Hi William,
I agree with you. Also, it could well be just the need to be listened to/at.
I do a lot of talking to myself (thinking in a loud voice) and I’m not crazy. This is when I need to organize my ideas when I’m working on a new project, for instance. But, you bet, some of my neighbors think I’ve lost it.
But, I have this close relative of mine, who might call me several times a day to say nothing at all. All this person needs is someone who’d listen to her.
And this talking to a stranger thing might also be some kind of self-analysis, and instead of just talking to ourselves, we talk to somebody else.
I’m not sure about the Irish priests and the people they confess because I know very little about religion, so I can’t tell if they know the people or not.
But, maybe it’s not a bad idea talking to a stranger, depending on the context. In my country, for example, you wouldn’t even think of talking to a stranger, or someone you hardly know, due to the high level of crime. You never know who might take advantage of the information you give them. This does sound crazy and, indeed, it’s like a generalize feeling of paranoia, but unfortunately that’s the way things are here, right now.
Now, many years ago, people would talk and share their little secrets or personal feelings with people they had never met before. I think we -human beings- have a need to communicate with others, and I guess we just use the means we feel more comfortable with.
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William Gordon17
-’The implications of Technology/The implications of Communication’-Well, the technology certainly improves the safety aspect, compared to talking to strangers on coaches and trains’ (although victims of hackers might dispute that!)Is it a form of self-analysis? I guess that depends on the level of communication! (could be just a variation of you talking to yourself, ‘disguised’ as project research! Do you LISTEN to yourself – or just ‘make a noise’?)As a writer I sometimes read aloud things I’ve just written – to ‘hear how they sound’, sometimes recording this. Am I ‘having a conversation with myself’ – like those lengthy ‘one-way’ phone calls from a lonely relative/friend? I try to convince myself they’re not of course. In both cases it’s the absence of the actual other person – whether ‘real’ or ‘imaginary’. But write your ideas /plot etc and send them to a friend/colleague etc. then it’s a totally differant ball game -It’s the personal touch! Sometimes as children we invent an imaninary friend. Sometimes ‘sane’adults we talk to our cat or dog – often when there’s noone else around to talk to! I believe most of us are suffering from a poverty of isolation from our fellow human beings -largely due to ‘technology’.Just forty or fifty years ago we’d walk across the road or next door to have a chat with our neighbours.Now we’ll pick up the phone,text or email them. It’s quicker, easier – but makes us in reality more remote. Today I wish you a happy Easter, but what I’d REALLY like to do would be to pick a fresh daffodil from my garden, put it in an envelope and post it to you.After many weeks it would arrive, dried and shrivelled – but it would still be the same flowerI picked as you take it from the envelope, holding within it the same thoughts. This is much quicker – sent by a flick of my thumb across cyberspace – but honestly, hand on heart, which is best?
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17.1
Which is best? I personally believe it depends on who determines what is best. Maybe I am wrong, who knows.
To me, every person is entitled to their own views. I may agree or not agree with them, but sure I respect other people’s views. I have my views (and I honestly think I am entitled to have them,) but I wouldn’t dare say they are better or worse than other people’s views.
Who am I to determine what is better or worse? I’m not God or anything like that. I’m not the judge of what is better or worse, at least in this context. I’m not the owner of the absolute truth.
I’m just a plain mortal with my personal views that some people may share or not. Some may respect my views or not, some may understand they are just different, not better or worse, and maybe some people do not understand or accept that…
But, what people choose to do (respect, accept, disagree, share, judge, condemn, etc.) is pretty far beyond my control.
Hence, I just live and let live. I can express my views, and if I am lucky, those who disagree will respect the fact that I have different views and that I am entitled to have my own views, without judging whether I am “right” or “wrong.”
I honestly believe it’s really nice when people can choose freely (and without being harshly criticized) what means of communication they prefer.
And, yes, I am very lucky that I actually do listen to myself. Thanks for your sharing thoughts.
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