What if We’re Both Certain, But of Opposite Beliefs?
Conflict about certainty can have a big impact on our relationships. When we are certain of one thing and someone we trust is certain of something else we may have a problem. Can we keep the relationship and disagree?
RenĂ© Descartes was the philosopher who said, “I think, therefore I am” (in the usual translation). He wanted clear and distinct ideas so that he could be certain. If we are confused and unclear, how could we be sure that something was true? And if we were confused and unclear, then how could we give our assent to something?
Descartes’s most famous idea is, “I think, therefore I am”. As he wanted certainty (and clear and distinct ideas were the path to this), he set about doubting everything that he could. This included all our information about the external world (we are sometimes mistaken in our perceptions) and could even include ideas about ourselves (our memory is not perfect, we may not know why we did something). What he couldn’t doubt was that he was doubting. Surely this is clear and distinct — and therefore certain?!
Philosophers are a difficult bunch. Some of them don’t even find, ‘I think, therefore I am’ convincing. Their difficulty is that the two instances of “I” in the statement may be different. The first (thinking) “I” seems to guarantee something about the second (existing) “I”. Descartes seemed to be saying that his thinking meant something more than that he doubted, but then what could his thinking show beyond that he was thinking? I’m not trying to solve this, or even take sides, here. I just want to point out that certainty is something that is awfully difficult to arrive at intellectually.
Does this mean that our certainty is condemned to be irrational? Does it matter that our certainty is illogical?
This leads to turning the question on its head: How could we ever be uncertain? If we found our ideas and experiences entirely convincing, why are we ever uncertain of anything? It seems that there are different aspects of our experience and that these can be in conflict.
Sometimes our reasoning and perceptions are in conflict. We may be unable to fault an argument and still be sure that it is wrong. We want to check where we have arrived even though we agree with how we got there. Sometimes our values and pleasures are in conflict, as when we don’t do something even though we would enjoy it.
Reconciling the conflict between the different aspects of our experience is the subject for another post. Here I just want to point out that we do experience uncertainty as well as certainty.
It seems to me that almost all of us are quite certain about some things. These can be things about our external world: it would be rare to doubt that the floor will be there in the morning. And they can be things about our internal world: we know that we possess certain attitudes and attributes. (While I feel deeply about some core issues, I organise my life by thinking. I haven’t met anyone who thought I was wrong about this.)
How is it that we are so sure about some things?
Firstly there is the amount of experience we have. There has never been one time when the floor hasn’t been there in the morning.
Secondly, there is the agreement of others whom we trust. People agree with me that I’m quite a heady person.
Then there is also our ability to examine our experience. Is the floor a delusion? Not so far as I can tell. Am I absolutely always a thinker? Well, no: sometimes I do things just because I feel like it, but on the whole I’m more of a thinker than a feeler.
As we move away from our immediate experience it gets more difficult to have certainty. We rely on others and being able to copy what they have done. This can be very formal and regulated; there are rules for how philosophy or science are done so that other people can replicate what has been done. In everyday life it may be a story about what someone has done. (For instance, someone assures me that there is a quicker way to drive to a familiar destination. If they can give me a good description of the way that they go I may be convinced. If they showed me on a Google map, I would be less convinced — in my experience the map is not the territory, and the Google map can contain significant mistakes.)
Conflict about certainty can have a big impact on our relationships. When we are certain of one thing and someone we trust is certain of something else we may have a problem. Can we keep the relationship and disagree?
What usually doesn’t work is to attack the other person. When attacked, the usual response is to get defensive and to stick more stubbornly to our position. What can we do?
We may decide that it is OK to agree to disagree. This will depend on how important the issue you disagree on is to you.
However, if you do wish to find agreement then there are a couple of things to do that I find can help.
- State why it is that you are certain. This may be a personal story of your experience. It may be presenting the evidence and reasoning you have used to reach your conclusion. This leaves more room for disagreement and may lead to a new exploration: there are aspects of our experience that we overlook, and the other person may point one of these out. From this point it, may be possible to find a new way of looking at things that we can both agree on.
- State the other person’s argument so that they know you understand. This is a good way to avoid leaving the other person feeling attacked. Presenting the other person’s perceptions is also a good way not to get defensive ourselves.
Almost all of us are convinced of some things. About other things we are less so. In my experience it is possible to get on with other people who I’m convinced are wrong about some things.
How much is certainty important to you? Has being certain about something affected a relationship of yours in a significant way? Do you find it possible to maintain a relationship with people who are certain that you are wrong? I’d love to hear your experience in the comments.


Hi Evan,
Currently, I am having a similar struggle in a relationship. The other person has certainty of their conviction. I, on the other hand do not. What I’m struggling with is the imposition I feel to adopt the other’s certainty, way of doing something. So my resistant isn’t my own conviction, but the feeling of being pushed to believe as another.
I have not yet arrived at even presenting my side of this difficulty to my friend. But it is like the elephant in the room. He’s not going away, until someone gives him some alternative ways out. And my friend and I cannot resolve anything until I present my sense of discomfort.
I do think the disagreement in this case is more difficult because I do not have my own conviction, my own stance, as she has hers. Making my position precarious, standing on air, so to speak.
As difficult as it is to disagree with someone you care about, and would prefer to have agreement, I think each person knowing their position at least has the element of equality, a good base to build on for equanimity.
Thanks Barbara,
Yes, this is very difficult. The idea that certainty is better makes it especially difficult (“I know what I think and you don’t, so you should agree with me for now”, or “I have a position and you don’t, so we should go with what I want”).
I think ‘fools rush in’ can be true. Sometimes uncertainty is needed I think. For instance the blogosphere is quite new as a communication medium and I think we are still sorting out the rules, and even what it is. In this situation uncertainty (and a willingness to explore) is appropriate I think.
It sounds like the other person isn’t being particularly hospitable in this instance. Do they have an agenda to help you sort our your thoughts around the issue (other than explaining why you should agree with them?)
To say, “I disagree, but I don’t know why”, or “Just because I don’t feel so” can sound awfully lame to me, when I say these kinds of things anyway.
Thanks for your comment, you open up a really interesting dilemma. I’m keen to hear how other people respond to this.
Hi Evan,
You are certainly (am I wrong to be certain here? ;) ) one of the more intellectual bloggers I know and it was a definite (certainty again) pleasure to read this post. My mind probably (not certain, memory issue here) hasn’t been this challenged since I left university.
Seriously, in my opinion (and I’m always certain of my opinion, even if I’m not certain my opinion is certain) this was a great post.
Does it affect relationships? Well I can think of one scenario, in the context of a romantic relationship, which happened to me a long time ago: the guy was certain I was in love with him, and I was equally certain I was not! Is it possible to agree to disagree and still have the relationship? I’m quite certain the answer in this case is no. Sorry for this frivolous example, it’s the only one that came to mind right away.
I loved your comment, Daphne! There are indeed some things you just cannot be in disagreement about!
Barbara, it seems as if you are in a very awkward spot, it must be a bit disturbing to feel you are ‘standing on air’. While different certainties can sometimes accept each other and sometimes not, a certainty plus an uncertainty is a very difficult situation, the uncertain one constantly risking colonisation! I wish you the very best with this. We all have a right to uncertainty!
“I think therefore I am” has certainly (sic) never convinced me.
Thanks Daphne. I’m happy to own up to being quite heady. I have a friend who proclaims with the glee that he may often be wrong but is never in doubt. I found this quite liberating in some ways.
I’m not sure about how intellectual to be in my writing. Writing as I do flows naturally for me but I also need to keep in mind that I am writing for others not just myself. So I’m very glad to hear from you, it is very helpful to me.
I guess when one person is convinced they’re in love and the other isn’t it would be almost impossible. I don’t think it is frivolous though. I guess in an ideal world it would be possible to negotiate a friendship, but we don’t live in an ideal world.
Many thanks for your comment, it is valuable in all kinds of ways.
Thanks for this post Evan. You’ve highlighted something that I think is one of the biggest barriers to relationships, which is identifying with a position so strongly that it prevents us from seeing the other human being we’re talking to. Often I think disagreements of this kind center around people believing that there are conflicting “rules for living,” like “it’s the rule that you have to call me every day,” and when someone breaks one of these “rules” we think of them as bad or unintelligent. What I think we can do in this situation is admit that, in fact, there are no such “rules” — there’s only what I want and what you want, and from that place we can decide what agreements or compromises we want to make. Best, Chris
Hi Chris,
I agree about our identifying with our beliefs (and thoughts and feelings and perceptions). I agree too about our (usually unconscious) rules bringing problems.
And I really like and agree with your idea that working from the place of what I want and what you want is a good way to find agreements and compromises.
Thanks for your valuable comment.