23 Responses (One Discussion Thread) to “What Makes A Good Relationship”

1. 

   Gabriella

   1

   2nd October 2008

   Evan, I agree with your thoughts here. I definitely think the presence of these three qualities would make for a good relationship. The trouble I personally have had is finding all three of them in another person. At most, I have found two of the three; more commonly, I find one… or none. (BTW, I am referring to both friendships and romantic relationships here.)

   But in any case, thank you for your blog entry today; it has given me a lot to think about. I will spend some time considering whether I offer these three qualities to my friends, family, and to my significant other.
2. 

   tasia

   2

   2nd October 2008

   He is the best psychiatrist you could ask for.
3. 

   Sarah Luczaj

   3

   2nd October 2008

   I’m a person centred therapist so I have a lot to say here! While the approach has been neglected maybe in the States it is a major force in Britain and, I think, in Japan.

   I disagree with your definition of congruence. I think what Rogers meant was a quality of real presence that comes from the fact that you are aware of your own experience and able to represent it accurately, to yourself and to others if you so choose. So if you are scattered and rather than pretending not to be you say “I feel totally scattered at the moment” then you are being congruent.

   Unconditional Positive Regard is pretty much what it says on the tin. It just means that you do not have to fulfill any particular conditions in order to be treated with respect.

   For my take on the person centred approach and conditions in short form, you can have a look at my introductory page on http://www.mytherapist.com.
4. 

   Evan Hadkins

   4

   2nd October 2008

   Hi Gabriella,

   Yes I too find it hard to find these qualities together in another. I do have a few relationships where this is true for me (I think I am much more fortunate than most that this is true).

   If you can offer them to others I think this is the best we can do to develop these kinds of relationships.
5. 

   Evan Hadkins

   5

   2nd October 2008

   Hi Tasia,

   Do you mean Carl Rogers?
6. 

   Evan Hadkins

   6

   2nd October 2008

   Thanks Sarah,

   I think you are right that Rogers is neglected in the US. I’m less familiar with Britain and have no knowledge of Japan. In Australia (where I am) his influence seems tiny at the moment – at least at the official levels.

   I entirely agree with your definition of congruence, I must have expressed myself badly. You put it well.

   I guess with unconditional positive regard I feel respect can be taken to be a bit cold – more neutral than positive. For me it has the flavour of support about it.

   Thanks for a wonderful comment.
7. 

   Linda Frania

   7

   3rd October 2008

   Hello Evan,

   Can we not also add “intimacy” to Carl Roger’s list? Though there are levels of intimacy,the added dimension here is trust. Intimacy, even at its most basic state, formulates a connection that goes beyond a mere acquaintance.
8. 

   Evan Hadkins

   8

   3rd October 2008

   Linda,

   As I understand what you are saying it is that trust being added leads to intimacy.

   This is a very thought provoking comment for me. Especially the relationship between empathy and intimacy. If you have more to say please do – I find this very interesting.
9. 

   Sarah Luczaj

   9

   3rd October 2008

   If I can butt in here, Linda and Evan, I think that intimacy almost inevitably occurs when these three conditions are present between two individuals, maybe it is a personal matter which condition is crucial for the development of trust… for me congruence is the one, if I sense that someone is being absolutely real and honest with themselves and with me, then I trust them. Because if there was any reason not to, they would be showing that too.

   Evan, I see what you mean about the warmth in unconditional positive regard. Acceptance is maybe a warmer way of putting it!
10. 

    Evan Hadkins

    10

    4th October 2008

    Thanks Sarah. I do think acceptance has a warmer feeling about it.

    I’m wondering if trust has more of a duration about it than empathy. I think of empathy as being able to be one incident, whereas I think of trust and intimacy as more part of an ongoing relationship. But I think that is just me, now that I’m putting it out in cold text. And I’m not sure about intimacy now – I guess there are moments of intimacy as well as intimate relationships.

    I do think these three attributes are likely to develop intimacy in a relationship.

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