From Dependence to Independence to Interdependence, Part 1
One aspect of our psychological growth is the movement from dependence to independence to interdependence. In this first of a three-part series, we look at our dependence and how we have trouble accepting it — as well as the importance of acknowledging our dependence.
Part 1: Acknowledging Our Dependence
We all started life dependent: either on our mother or on someone else to provide for our basic needs. Gradually we learned to go places we wanted to go, to identify what we wanted and how to set about getting it, to shape our environment to suit our preferences. In some ways the story of growing up is moving from dependence to independence.
Before I move on to exploring independence and what it means for us I’d like to spend a little longer on our dependence. We strive for and value independence and so we tend to forget how dependent we are even as adults.
It’s probably easiest to be aware of our physical dependence. Holding our breath for a few seconds is enough to remind us of this. Then there are our needs for drink, food, shelter and clothing (in most environments anyway).
There is also our social dependence. Most of us benefit from infrastructure bequeathed to us by past generations: buildings, roads, suburbs and so on that we had no part in building. There is also the culture we live in: the art that is around us — from movies to paintings and music — and even the language we use to communicate our love, convey information, or arrange meetings and agendas. We all rely on these social structures which (at best) we have contributed little to.
The story of the move from dependence to independence doesn’t emphasise this dependence. It emphasises our independence from others: our emotional independence (especially from our early parent figures).
So I’d like to point out that as adults we are often emotionally dependent too. We like to know that we are liked. We like to know that we have done well. To be continually denigrated and receive a steady diet of being told how badly we have done is unlikely to leave us untouched.
It’s my experience that good relationships can be joyous. People being hospitable to me is delightful. These are some of the good things of life. And we are (at least partly) dependent on others for them.
I think we often are reluctant to acknowledge our dependence as adults.
No doubt this is partly because our culture puts such a high value on independence. We value leaders — but what about those needed to follow: to implement the grand vision, make the initiative real, do all the nitty-gritty detail? A leader is made by and is dependent on their followers. We value innovators and inventors, not those who preserve the old ways. Often it is by reflecting on the current and past ways of doing things that innovation occurs, sometimes simply by taking a method from one field and applying it in another. (Henry Ford copied the production line for cars from the meat packing industry. But the meat packers usually get none of the credit.) In the arts we value novelty — those who interpret a tradition don’t receive the same kinds of accolades (even though the novelty may be trivial).
Also we may be reluctant to acknowledge our dependence as adults because we are uncomfortable with acknowledging our vulnerability. Our vulnerability means we can be exploited and hurt. This isn’t nice. But pretending that it isn’t true doesn’t help us deal with the reality. Meeting another in their vulnerability can be a profound moment — but it is only possible if we are capable of being with our own vulnerability.
I wonder how different our world would be if we valued dependence and vulnerability. I think it would mean that ecology would be readily accepted. Perhaps our suburbs would be organised differently — with more space for people to meet and socialise. Perhaps how to relate and care for others would be part of children’s education.
What do you think? Is it important to have a sense of our dependence? Have you found this easy to be aware of? Or has your path been more about independence? Let me know in the comments.
Part 2 of this three-part series will focus on independence.
10 Responses (One Discussion Thread) to “From Dependence to Independence to Interdependence, Part 1”
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I think the emphasis on independence is a pretty recent Western invention, not even that widespread if you look at all the cultures around the world. It tends to go along with individualism not to mention capitalism.
It’s a cultural value that comes up in therapy a lot, e.g. where I practice clients do not tend to define independence as a goal. I have had to adjust my assumptions quite a bit. There is also plenty of feminist theory pointing to the fact that women define themselves in a more relational way.
We are all interdependent and interconnected, thinking we are anything else is an illusion which sometimes feels good and sometimes causes a lot of unecessary pain.
Hi Sarah,
I very much agree. I think this spins out into big philosophical questions – that we are social/tribal organisms, that we are our culture, that compassion (the ability to share experience) is part of the essence of humanity.
I’ve only lived in western cultures and so only have experience of those cultures where individualism isn’t so highly valued at second hand. If you’d like to say more about the differences I’d be really interested.
I think the first time I felt that type of culture shock was when travelling alone in Morocco. For me it was an important kind of rite of passage to do it alone,I was proving and exercising my newfound autonomy, independence, self-sufficiency… and there I was drowned in sympathy at every turn – poor me, did I not have a sister to come with me? My explanations were totally incomprehensible to everyone I met and I started to feel as if I came from another planet.
With clients from a different culture so many times I have felt the reflex to tell people to just move *out* of their dysfunctional families/communities, and it was not the answer for them at all, was not even on the radar. The definition of self included the family or group, so removing themselves would have been senseless.
Here in Poland I can see that sense of self changing before my very eyes along with ‘westernisation’/capitalism. The generation gap is huge and people are pulled in all directions!
Thanks Sarah.
The idea of the self including the family or group is a big one. Quite a challenge to our western/capitalist individualism – about which I have very mixed feelings (to underestimate things more than somewhat).
I think our idea of self in the Western/capitalist countries is probably more group/family defined than we like to admit. Me and my partner are about to move cities to be closer to family. Do you think the people in Poland are more individualist than they admit? Even in the US a best-seller asks the question: Who ever died wishing they had spend more time at the office?
Could you say more about how people are pulled in different directions? Grounding these things in individual details brings them alive I think.
:-) oh yes I’m all for individual details when I’m not the one who has to recall and retell them! A generalisation takes soooo much less time and energy ;-)
back tomorrow!
I’m a generalist too – all those details take so much time and energy!
Hi All,
I tend to think we are much more dependant in everyday life. We drive down the road trusting all the vehicles to drive properly and most often they do. We go throughout our day dependant on others for each days needs. We if we took the time to acknowledge it are never really independant though we like to think that way….More so I think when we are not with our families framework that’s when we call it independant….. a freedom to choose without checking in on the tribe so to speak… Yet during our day out there we are connecting to other families…. in all that we do.
I love the concept of interdependance it feels more natural and true to me…. It feels more true to what is…. And it doesn’t feel it has to be attained it just is…
Hi Diane,
I think you are right. The next post in this series deals with what I mean by “independence”. Hope you like it – look forward to any comments that you may have.
What strikes me about these posts, is the high level of intellectual independence of the authors. And you seem to take it for granted not realizing that in many cultures, you would be treated as a criminal for having a mind of your own. So called “community” in these cultures is in reality a abusive cult. And if you look up abusive cults on the internet, it doesn’t just apply to religious groups. It applies to any group eg political party, work environment, family life and even some one on one relationships. To various degrees, people in abusive cults are treated as children and told what to think and feel. Healthy dependence/interdependence rests upon true intellectual independence. This is what’s meant by “western individualism”. Even the label is dishonest, ignoring that it’s inbuilt into nature, rather than being a arbitrary construct. Otherwise what you are describing is slavery to the group.
Hi Ken, thanks for your comment. I do think that our individuality is in built from nature (as is our need for connection). I believe these two needs are reconciled through intimacy.
I’m well aware too (from many an experience) that being different is not always welcomed. It is a rare place where all of us is accepted. Even in the West where we are meant to be in favour of individualism this is often not the case. I think the dominant religion in our culture is ‘the almightly dollar’. People are expected to work in particular ways because money says so and our individuality is not meant to interfere.
My belief is that our uniqueness is valuable and that we can have relationships where each person is affirmed for and encouraged in their uniqueness.
Thanks for your comment, you raise a lot of very important issues. Please feel free to comment further if you wish – there may be lots of stuff to pursue here I think.